A few months ago, the Republican field of presidential candidates was shaping up to be one of the strongest in several years, only to lose some of its best candidates before Super Tuesday. Some of them were out as soon as Mediocre Saturday.
I admit that I was extremely taken aback when I heard that Michele Bachmann was dropping out. I was sure she had her crazy eyes set on the prize.
I was more shocked when Rick Perry bowed out, somehow not managing to find enough support no matter how many coyotes he shot, troops he pledged to send back to Iraq or third things he forgot. Even viable candidates, like the second-most popular Mormon ex-governor Jon Huntsman, or Gary Johnson, who I cannot remember anything about, could not survive in the race.
However, nothing is quite as shocking as the fact that the one true hope for America, Herman “Rock You Like a Herman Cain” Cain did not make it to the Iowa Caucus. You know something is wrong with this nation when the former CEO of a pizza chain with no political experience and a tax plan he came up with while watching an in-flight showing of “Inglorious Basterds” (Nien! Nien! Nien!) cannot find enough support to get him to the actual primaries.
Now, the Republicans are down to just four candidates: Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich. GOP voters have seemingly admitted the weakness of the field by frequently switching favorites, throwing their support behind a candidate one day and then jumping on with another faster than Newt Gingrich can get rid of a wife with cancer. Although we are already fairly far in the process, if an exciting candidate were to jump in the race now, say, Mitch Daniels, or the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan, I am pretty sure he or she would find voters faster than Newt Gingrich can get rid of a wife with Multiple Sclerosis.
All the political insiders have already declared the front-runner to be a combination of disinterest and desperation, also known as Mitt Romney. The former Massachusetts governor came to this race with a clear message: he has lots of money, he has good hair and he knows all the lyrics to “America the Beautiful.” Plus, he really wants to be president and has shown he is willing to compromise his beliefs (health care reform, abortion, climate change) to achieve it.          
It is not all strength with Romney, though. He also has some distinctive downsides, such as an icy demeanor that would suggest he is even less of a person than a corporation is. Unfortunately for the Romney camp, this is a difficult image to shake no matter how many drug-addled girls he personally brings back to life. Another Romney flaw is that he is a little reluctant to touch, come near or be breathed on by anyone who makes less than $200 thousand a year. However he does care about them and will fix their safety net if there are any problems with it, i.e. cutting assistance programs. Of course, there is also the little thing about how some people are uncomfortable with his religion. You probably know what it is. It starts with an, “m,” and, it is Mormon. He is a Mormon.
However, Romney is not alone at the top. Running neck and neck with him is former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum, or as he is more commonly referred to as, “Who?” Santorum has found success in states like Iowa, Missouri and Colorado (Woo!), and although he may not be the most exciting candidate, he has successfully sold himself as one who will stick to conservative values. The best way to describe him is the safe, boring guy in a romantic comedy who wears sweater vests and is extremely homophobic. That particular stance, by the way, was directly responsible for the creation of the website “Spreading Santorum,” which has forever ruined the reputation of a certain frothy mixture by associating it with Rick Santorum.
Next up is the Texas representative and outspoken Libertarian, Ron Paul. He had a strong start, winning silver in both Iowa and New Hampshire, which he then took home and hoarded under his bed. Despite this early success, he has been struggling as of late, losing many of his supporters to rebel militias or all-night “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” marathons. Paul’s number one priority is for the government to do as little as possible. He wants to cut nearly 80 percent of the federal budget. On the other hand, he also wants to legalize drugs and prostitution. Firefighters or prostitutes? It is a tough call.
The one lingering question that I still have about Paul though is whether or not he ever received that “Happy Hate Whitey Day” card I sent and signed, but did not read. Hopefully he will get back to me soon.
Finally, there is one Newt Gingrich, someone who refuses to go away no matter how badly he embarrasses himself and the nation. It is unfortunate that all the diversions in his campaign, such as infidelities and proposed moon colonies, have distracted people from the real issue -- Newt Gingrich is grossly unqualified to be president. Did everyone forget that just ten years ago, Congress reprimanded him for ethical violations? Or the fact that he is really kind of racist? He called Spanish the language of the ghetto and suggested that poor, black children be put to work as janitors so they do not grow up to do something destructive like become president.
I will concede that Newt Gingrich has his qualities. He is an “idea” man; they are not good ideas, but still. For example, he suggested getting rid of courts whose decisions are not conservative enough. My question is, why stop there? Why not abolish Congress as well? Or declare that he is to have the first open presidency so he can govern over younger, more attractive nations on the side? Newt is also intelligent. He is a historian, after all, and encourages others to learn about history, too. Just not Newt Gingrich’s history.
What does this all mean? For one thing, the Republicans are, at this point, so divided and unfocused they look like the Democrats. It also means that, barring any drastic change, we are going to have four more years of, “Let me be clear.” Another important take away from this is that Newt Gingrich is a racist. I think it is important to mention that again. However, most significantly, the Republicans may not have put out the best candidates this year, but at least they have ensured that no one misses Sarah Palin.