Twenty-six months and the search is finally over. Charles Duelfer, the U.S. chief weapons hunter in Iraq, can’t find any weapons of mass destruction.

This is unfortunate for the president’s political integrity, as the Sept. 11th Commission also had trouble finding support for his claims–-that a “collaborative relationship” existed between Iraq and the 9/11 hijackers.

With these failures, the president’s two main reasons for war have been debunked. If clothes were made of credibility, the president would be naked.

STICKY SITUATION

So, where does that leave today’s leader of the free world (besides naked)? How will he convince the American people to make sense of a war fought on false footing?

Well, it isn’t completely irreconcilable. After all, the president is a hardworking family man. He could easily gain back the people’s trust.

“Hey America,” he could say. “Honest mistake, okay? No skin off my back. None off yours neither. At least now we’re in the know.”

OK, maybe that’s a little weak, but then again, he doesn’t have much to work with.

“You know what, America? I bet the world is safer for it. Yeah, the world is safer now that Saddam and his oppressive regime are gone and we are bringing freedom to the Middle East.”



THREE CITIZENS

But the wise citizen might reply, “How are we safer, Mr. President, if there never were any weapons of mass destruction?”

This is a good point, one that is hard to discredit. So he must be careful, and explain: “If it is human beings (as opposed to other creatures) that threaten our safety, the more we kill, the less likely they are to harm us. So, since we have killed over 15,000 Iraqi civilians, that’s 15,000 less people who might hurt us.”

But the wicked citizen, reeling in his cynicism, will say, “That’s ridiculous! Killing innocent people in order to ensure our own safety is absurd! Rationalizing their death as a preventative measure is crazy!”

To this he shall blunt the citizen’s teeth and say, “This is America. American Flag. WMDs. Freedom. Saddam. Al-Qaeda. Flag.”

Amid the confusion, however, the simple citizen will speak. “Excuse me, sir,” he may say, “but I don’t get it.”

To this he will say nothing, but, acting as a true politician, provide him with a voter registration form.