With the holiday season right around the corner the number one question on your mind must be ‘What can I do to make The Love Doctor proud’? Worry not, my misguided inferiors, your problem is about to disappear. I made it extremely simple for you this month. All you have to do is follow this solitary piece of advice. Do this and I guarantee that you’ll be happier than your parents before they had you. The Love Doctor, The Shaquille O’Neal of... love has the answer to your primary holiday problem.

All that you need to know is that the holidays aren’t about enjoyment. They isn’t supposed to be fun. Consider it hunting season, and you are the hunter. Your prey? Whoever gets your “motor running.”. Now that you know this, you should probably get prepared. You shouldn’t wait till the start of the vacation. Start now. Take the rest of the year off. I don’t want to see any of you till January. If you do this, you’ll enjoy yourself more than Ricky Williams after a Rastafarian convention.

Note: As the Love Doctor was writing this, at home, the fortress of love, surrounded by beautiful women and rose petals, he realized that most of the people who read this newspaper are quite stupid. So, for those having trouble digesting his advice the Love Doctor is about to break it down for you in an easy, fictional scenario.

An imaginary character, we’ll call him “Sergio”, is spending the few remaining weeks of school before the break obsessing over midterms, eggnog, imaginary girlfriends, and lotion . For this, Sergio is a complete idiot and should be seriously injured. However, if Sergio were to corner a hot, young “philly”, buy her some roses and then offer to take her out for some (virgin) pina- coladas Sergio wouldn’t have to be placed on the ‘disabled list of life’ and would instead be basting in a world of...love.

Now that the Love Doctor has educated you young fools in a simple GED format. You may now go forth and spread my word among your family members and friends, who you will be forced to spend a disgusting amount of time with over the next month.

Inform them of all you have learned. Inform them that it is hunting season. Inform them that Sergio’s life is pointless. Inform them that Ricky William smokes a lot of marijuana. But most importantly inform them of the holiday season’s true purpose...love.