not there is a worse holiday gift than socks, itchy sweaters, or even a light up musical Santa Claus tie. "What can this putrid present be?" you ask.It’s the fruit cake, a slimy slice of strange congealed fruit and nuts.

The fruitcake is often revered as a festive food, much like eggnog, candy canes, figgy pudding, or sugar plums. It has a very interesting history one that dates back to ancient Roman times. And trust me if you have ever had a slice of this deviant dessert you would believe it really was ancient. You see there are two types of fruit cake: the soggy kind or the solid. Now the soggy are just as bad as the solid but in a different way. The soggy are mushy, saturated, and crumbly cakes that cause unpleasant squishing when cut.

However the solid are just the opposite: these are the cakes that you couldn’t cut with a chain saw. Their hard exterior only chips and cracks away to reveal an even worse brick of bread in which many unfortunate fruits are suspended like fossils in rock. The soggy cake, upon removing from the cake pan, jiggles out of its mold with a splat while the solid is more likely to need a jack hammer.

But if these cakes are so bad then why do people keep making them? Because fruit cakes are made by great aunts with less than great baking skills, that’s why. These crazy confectionary concoctions are also sold premade at grocery stores.

So where is the demand? My theory is that the U.S. government is buying them and covering the military vehicles with them for added armored protection.

Whatever the reason it would appear that these less than delectable desserts are here to stay and will unfortunately continue to find their way to holiday tables across America only to sit right next to the lime jello mold in the shape of a tree and the jug of room temperature boiled custard.

Yes, it’s safe to say that the fruitcake will continue to be bought or baked only to be thrown away after sitting on the table and having a few meager slices cut from it. The life cycle of the fruitcake is a viscous one to say the least. Its only goal to sour stomachs and turn taste buds before being disposed like it should have been all along. So if you find yourself being passed a funny looking cake this holiday season, be sure to take my advice and pass it on to some other unsuspecting diners.