I mean, just think about it: what’s the most devastating thing that could happen to the Royals? No, besides them having to play another baseball team. Forget it, I hate guessing games. I’m talking about ADD.

            Apparently ten percent of Major League Baseball is being treated for Attention Deficit Disorder? I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been less surprised by anything in my entire life – with MAYBE the exception of Nickelback’s new album selling only four copies (all four of which were bought by Chad Kroeger as stocking stuffers for his family).

            But I’ve been to two Royals games in about five years (I’ve had season tickets for all five of those years). And you wanna know what keeps me running back for more after each and every game? Dippin’ Dots. That’s the only reason I ever go, because I couldn’t care much less about baseball. And if there’s anyone that wants to be at a Royals games less than I do, it’s Tony Peña and Mike Aviles.

            Case and point: no one on the Royals has ADD. To say otherwise is more of an insult to everyone’s intelligence than when Dennis Kucinich claimed he was the center of American politics (although the man does carry a constitution in his pocket). But the Royals don’t have trouble paying attention because of a genetic shortcoming – they have trouble paying attention because they don’t like playing baseball.

            And so we arrive at the Royals’ true ailment: indecision (clearly their record is nothing but a cry for help). The Royals aren’t baseball players, they’re just killing time playing baseball while they desperately attempt to find their true place in society.

            Players like Jimmy Gobble are at a crossroad in their lives, and they’re too afraid to choose a new direction. I personally think Jimmy Gobble would make a formidable chef, for no reason other than it would be cute if he cooked turkeys for Thanksgiving at Honey Baked Ham stores. Or he could be the assistant to a regional manager of a small New England paper distributing company for all I care – but dear God, no more baseball.