I’m a HUGE fan of Election Day. Well, the day after Election Day really.

As much as I love listening to long unconvincing, sometimes untruthful, ads in newspapers and on TV, radio, internet and elderly people’s lawns etc., I’m extremely grateful when all is said and done. The average TV political campaign ad breaks down like this:

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A black and white and out of focus footage of the candidate’s opponent sorting some papers, accompanied by dramatic music. Then a male narrator who sounds like he smokes 12 packs of cigarettes a day says something like, “John Doe is against women. He once called them “icky” and was heard accusing them of “having cooties.” In fact, he proposed several bills that, if interpreted the right way, negatively affect women.

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The black and white fades to color footage of the candidate smiling with her family and Labrador retriever, accompanied by patriotic music. Then a female narrator with that I-just-took-some-ecstasy happiness in her voice saying something like, “Jane Doe thinks that’s wrong. In fact, Jane Doe plans on proposing more than 10 bills that directly affects both women and men. On November 7, vote Jane Doe.”

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Then a third announcer will, in true auctioneer speed, say that the commercial was paid for by (surprise!) Jane Doe in a matter of milliseconds.

Wow, that was so informative it makes heads spin. The ads are so focused on making their opponents look bad they forget to mention their stand on…well everything. The candidate could be in support of attempting to resurrect Hitler, and their commercial would talk about how their opponent supports shipping jobs overseas. Of course, John Doe couldn’t just sit back and take this criticism; he has to lash back at the competition with his own highly critical ad, probably claiming Jane Doe was in favor of kicking puppies.

The other lovable tidbit about election season is that everyone constantly talks about their political opinions, which are about as interesting as an oak tree with a prime number of acorns. Having a political opinion is like playing rock-paper-scissors against the rest of America; you lose at least one-third of the time purely because you chose to affiliate yourself with a certain party. That is why, next election, I will vote for John Doe … Rock …which ever candidate is in favor of cootie inoculations.