I recently contracted

mononucleosis, otherwise known

as the “kissing disease.” As it

turns out, it is actually not as fun

as it sounds. So

now, I’ve come

up with five

reasons why

you, the reader,

should never,

ever get mono.

First of all,

mono makes

you tired. When

I’m tired, I’m

grumpy. So in turn, mono makes

you grumpy.

My second reason for abstaining

from mono is the extremely high

fever the “kissing disease” induces.

The first week I was sick, I had a

fever of 102 degrees every night.

These unbearable fevers

prompted strange, delirious dreams

in which I became extravagant

characters. My favorite was when

I was the Godfather of the Italian

Mafia.

Thirdly, mononucleosis provides

for the nastiest blisters in the back

of your throat that you’ll ever set

eyes on. We were going to print

pictures of my tonsils in this issue

of “The Cardinal,” but it was

deemed that many students would

gouge their eyes out upon looking

at them. Your eyes are safe thanks

to my censorship.

Second to last but not least, if

you get mono, you will be bored

for like, two weeks, because all

you can really do is lie in bed

and suffer. In that time, you will

become a connoisseur of daytime

television, which brings me to my

final reason why you should never,

ever get mono.

Tony Danza.

In case you haven’t heard, NBC

has given the former “Who’s the

Boss” and “Taxi” a show. And

Tony’s show is definitely not as fun

as it sounds.

Every day of my malady, this

crazy, washed-up Italian actor

came into my home and drove me

crazy.

Now here’s the irony.

In my room, I have a TV, but I

don’t have cable, so I only get

one channel, NBC. Every night

I would tune in to watch “The

Tonight Show,” and I would fall

asleep with the TV on. So at 10

a.m. when I awoke, guess who was

there to greet me.

You guessed right, the “Taximan”

himself. But I couldn’t turn off the

TV, because I had no remote, and I

was to tired to even move, so I just

sat there like an invalid, listening

to his idle chatter about “Dancing

With the Stars” and meatball

sandwiches.

But hey, like him or not, Tony

helped me through a tough time in

my life, and for that, I thank him.

So think twice next time you

share a drink or do anything

else that would cause a salivary

exchange. You, too, could fall

victim to monotonydanzaosis.