We all know them. The not-so-few. The proud. The loud and the obnoxious who drink warm beer at baseball games and shout random obscenities at the television screen. They are sports fans, and I want to be one of them.

I decided two years ago on this lifelong dream, despite my meager sports experience which consisted of a season-long soccer career in which I wandered around the field twirling my pigtails, a few years playing a significant role on my last-place (every year!) softball team, and having seen all the Mighty Ducks movies.

Clearly, I had a lot of work to do.

The most logical place to start was baseball, since I have some idea of how the game is played (this is not typical of me and most sports). Washington had a new baseball team and since I was a new sports fan, I went to my very first baseball game. I cheered when other people cheered and booed when other people booed. By the seventh inning stretch (which is a stretch during the seventh inning! Who knew?) I was pretty comfortable with my grasp of baseball knowledge and feeling rather proud of myself. So after an awesome play, I did what any good fan would do: I jumped to my feet, arm pumping the air, screaming at the top of my lungs. As did all the other fans of the opposing team. My face matched my bright red Nationals cap as I sunk back into my seat.

Next I tried fantasy football. I joined my dad’s work league and was pleasantly surprised to learn that you don’t need to know much about football to do well. The first few weeks were a little tough until I had an epiphany that gave me a whole new perspective on the very game of football itself: the defense and offense don’t play on the field at the same time! With this insight, I quickly rose to the top of the standings. This year, I re-employed my proven team strategy based entirely on stats (recommended when you don’t understand any of the positions) but ended up in last place. I think I have next season in the bag, though. My plan: find out what the quarterback does.

Anyone can know about sports, but it takes a real sports fan to talk trash. My painful attempts at fantasy football induced my dad to approach me, saying with desperation in his voice, “Allie, I really need to teach you to talk smack.” (He failed.) Despite his best efforts, while my opponents made witty puns off my team’s name, the Junkyard Cats (like Allie Cats! Get it?!), I continued to respond with such clever lines as “Yeah? Well your team… SUCKS!” I know, I know, but I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.

Luckily, I will be able to continue my quest for sports fan greatness at Ohio State next year, where they’re known for excellent sports teams. And if anyone (except a Florida fan) challenges me, I’ll gracefully respond, “Well at least my team doesn’t… SUCK!”