As a life-long hater of the Redskins, even I could not stand by and watch as Daniel Snyder has taken every wrong step in hiring a new head coach. Not to worry, Redskins fans. I’ve come up with six fool-proof candidates for the ‘Skins to fall back on.

Billy Wolf: Who is Billy Wolf, you ask? You may know him as “DaSecret,” or the champion of the reality TV show Madden Nation. The 19-year-old beat out 11 of the best Madden gamers in the world to bring home the $100,000 prize and is poised to take on the NFL. He may be young, but he executes the Bonzai Blitz and Engage Eight to perfection on defense. Using the “Pass Balanced” playbook on offense, DaSecret runs the Slot Quick Flat to perfection, especially on his game winning drive against Fred Dizzle in the championship. If Snyder is smart, he’ll jump on Wolf before someone else does.

Lou Holtz: Sure, Holtz may be old (70), but that didn’t stop the ‘Skins from hiring Joe Gibbs. Anyone who watches college football on ESPN knows that Big Lou is the man for the job. Every Saturday, ESPN is gracious enough to dress Lou in clothes two sizes too big for him as he delivers a “pep talk” that all but guarantees victory. Take the Rose Bowl, for example, where he pumped up Illinois before taking on heavily-favored USC. Lou paraded around the room in his costume, spitting with each word as he butchered the pronunciation of each player’s name and compared the team to a man who had jumped off a 20-foot building. It was unorthodox, but it worked. Even though they would go on to lose 49-17, the Fighting Illini were able to hold the opposition under 50, thanks to Lou’s crazy words of wisdom. Clinton Portis has even prepared for the hire by attaching a visor to his helmet so he can listen to Lou without getting saliva all over his face.

Isiah Thomas: Since retiring from the NBA, Zeke hasn’t made the smoothest transition from player to coach, but switching to football might be all he needs to get rolling. Thomas, who was hired as the Knicks President of Basketball Operations in 2003, was faced with hiring a new head coach in 2006, and he hired…himself. Thomas was originally able to make people forget what an awful coach he was by making racist comments and sexually harassing a team employee, but eventually he could not hide from the fact that he gave a $30 million contract to Jerome James, who has averaged a whopping 2.9 points per game with the Knicks. If the Redskins want to score Thomas, however, they’ll have to be very patient. Thomas recently released a statement that he intends to stay in New York until the team wins a championship, and he also said that he would not fire himself. Shocker.

Billy Bob Thorton: If you object to this candidate, go watch “Friday Night Lights.” Not only does he lead the Permian Panthers to the state championship game without Boobie Miles, but he delivers a halftime speech that would make Lou Holtz wet his pants.

Mark Churchwell: If you can survive falling off of Manchu Picchu, you can survive anything.

George Mitchell: Obviously, Mitchell has hook-ups in the steroid business, and the Redskins could use them. By the time next season starts, Todd Collins will be the best linebacker in the league and Mike Sellers will be 450 pounds of pure muscle.