The Group Equation Monday, February 02, 2009 By Morgan Breckenridge - Advertising Occasionally, I think teachers put us in certain situations to see the sheer look of terror in their student's eyes. Whether it be assigning a ten page research paper, or doling out random pop quizzes, students always have the one assignment that keeps them awake at night. As for me, I can handle a ten page paper, and could probably get by with a pop quiz. The one torture tool teachers use that makes me drop dead in my tracks is working in groups. Oh, the horror of having to compromise with other individuals! Sadly, I'm not the greatest when working with individuals. I can't seem to get through my head not everyone shares the same ideas, opinions, and visions I do. Not being a "people person" is not the only reason I dislike working with others. Typically, the groups you get put in for projects are assigned by the teacher and end up being completely random. Thus begins the "Group Equation" I have developed over the years. While the "Group Equation" varies based on the number of people, there are typically three main components, or people, who remain constant throughout. These people are The Doer, The Mediator, and the infamous Lazy One. Let's start with The Doer. The Doer is the one who really just wishes they could be working alone. They typically feel all the responsibility is on their shoulders, even though it may not be the case. The Doer is typically a control freak, which results in them doing all the work for the group. In their post-high school years the Doer can be found in and out of the hospital for heart problems and brain aneurysms because of their constant high level of stress. When it comes to work environments, the Doer is usually the boss, barking at everyone to do their work.  The Mediator is the middle ground between the Doer and the Lazy One. They don't enjoy confrontation, and would rather agree with everything the Doer says. The Mediator does whatever is asked of them, even if it interferes with the 456 other things someone else asked them to do that they just can't say no to. The mediator rarely allows time for themselves and becomes overwhelmed easily. The mediator can be found in mental institutions due to the nervous breakdown they succumb to after simply trying to fix a stapler. Lastly comes the Lazy One, the dreaded variable in the Group Equation. Once the teacher puts you in a group with the Lazy One, a disappointed sigh overcomes the fellow group members. The Lazy One will typically socialize with species like itself when there is work to be done and will generally avoid the person who is assigning the work. While perhaps the most irritating of the three, the Lazy One will most likely not advance or contribute in any way to society. By the time they reach about 30 years of age they will retreat back into their mother's home, jobless and penniless, where they will find refuge on the family couch, eating pork rhines and beef jerky. The more motivated of the lazy ones may try to either start a Journey tribute band or enter some sort of mixed martial arts competition and fail miserably. While these three components may not work in perfect harmony, wouldn't it be worse if you put three of the same group together? The Doers would scream at each other. The Mediators would try to find a fair compromise but end up in tears. And the Lazy Ones would just sit there and discuss anything but the matter at hand. I suppose I can understand the system behind the madness of group picking. Without having the three, there would be tears and possible bloodshed. Regardless, I think I'll stick to the old phrase, "If you want something done right, do it yourself".

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