With the ominous clouds of ISTEP looming over the horizon, sophomores scurry to dodge the joviality of upperclassmen and the horror of testing.  Although it may seem like an eternity, the interminable testing only takes nine hours over a span of three days.

For every unfortunate soul who has to come in for the morning testing sessions, be confident in the fact that if you put all the condensed effort of your previous schooling into these dreaded nine hours, you will find solace next year when the underclassmen are testing and you are relaxing.

Get a lot of sleep.  I recommend anywhere from ten to 18 hours.  You will be unable to get any sleep during the test, so I suggest staring at a poster when you finish a section to keep your mind fresh and alert.  What better way to do that than a poster of a cat complaining about homework?

  Study before the test.  You don’t want to reserve the night before to learn how to add and subtract and use a comma. 

  Listen carefully to the monotonous directions given by the administrator.  There is very little a teacher can do to make those instructions exciting, and although it may seem excruciatingly dull to review circle-filling, you’ll rue the day you dozed off during the “heavy and dark” lecture when there’s an SAT form in front of you.  What are you going to do with all them circles?

  Develop a useful test-taking strategy.  Use this ISTEP week to hone your standardized test skills, so you’ll excel over mediocrity if you choose to tackle another of life’s annoying speed bumps.  My personal strategy is to start with small circles in the center and slowly work my way to the edges.  But that’s just me.

  Answer the easy questions first.  Build your self-esteem so you’ll be able to answer the harder questions regardless of accuracy.  You do not want to find yourself in a mad rush to erase thirty answers because you’re unsure.  Be confident in your insecurity.

  Don’t get distracted during the test.  The last place you want to be is staring at the “B” circle musing as to just how many Alpha-bits you ate in the morning, and if any of them were “B’”s, and if so, does this “B” know you ate his brothers and are about to heavy-and-dark him out of existence when the administrator says there are only five minutes left to finish the section.  Leave the letter “B” genocide meditations at home during ISTEP week.

 

The most important thing to remember is to relax.  Don’t let bitter resentments toward upperclassmen cloud your judgments.  You have the goal of every underclassman in mind; it isn’t to sate Indiana’s appetite for standards.  The sole reason for passing the ISTEP is to sleep in next year.  The light at the end of the tunnel is the sweet dark embrace of sleep.