Oh, hey there. How are you? I see that you came back. I guess it’s true. Once you had one “Evening With W ank,” you can never go back. It’s okay. I have that effect on people. Needless to say, my column hasn’t been canceled, contradicting every Las Vegas odds maker who guessed this column would “jump the shark” after the first printing. I guess Arrowhead knows that they can’t keep a good man down - or me either.

I would like to start this month’s “Evening With W ank” a little differently. Because of this, I have written a theme song. Enjoy. Evening With W ank, that’s what this is. Evening With W ank, oh yeah. Evening With, Evening With, Evening With W ank! Was it good for you too? You know, I think that this is the first ever column in any paper to actually have a theme song. There I go, making progress.

What should we chat about? Oh I remember now. Let’s talk about something that makes me laugh: jokes. Jokes are neat, huh. Some jokes are funny, while others are like me – insane. Yes, I realize that I didn’t say beautiful. I don’t need to. I have come to terms with my godlike figure, so I needn’t boast to the public.

Now, I’m going to answer the question multiple people answer me: What the heck is wrong with you? The answer is twofold. First, I was dropped on my head multiple times. The second is that my name is Wank. Do you know how much psychological damage that can do? I’m insane and proud of it. Frumpenstronimy Bumpkin. I’m also the first column in history to ever write down illegible sayings. I know, I thought Oprah - or Sofa, as my family calls her - would be the first.

The sad thing is, I’m tired. Because of this, don’t want to type a lot anymore. My eyelids keep closing and I can barely see the computer screen. But I can’t stop. You dear readers need this column. Wait a minute. I have an idea. I’ll be back in a bit.

Well, howdy there. What’s up? Oh, I just had an energy drink. But since I’m not normal, I don’t drink it normally. I have it so the drink just comes out in my bathtub. It’s nice, but kind of sticky without pants on. Why do I feel the need to have my pants off in a lot of jokes? The world may never know.

All right. Since I don’t have much time, I can only talk about one comedian. My favorite is… drum roll please… Jim Gaffigan. Please come up and accept your award. Oh. Really? Why? That’s dumb. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Well, I was just informed that there is no award. Mr. Gaffigan, you can sit back down. So, I need to do this quickly because my column is almost up for the time. His DVD is called “Beyond The Pale.” He has a few CDs, such as “More Moo-Moos,” “The Last Supper,” “Doing My Time,” and the CD version of his DVD, “Beyond The Pale.” He is very funny, and I believe that he will be bigger than Dane Cook was at his best. Be the first to hear Gaffigan.

Wow. I have no more time, hardly any space left. I’m sad, for it’s over. I’ll miss you. Please write what you wish me to write about, because I don’t like to think. Just tell me, or tell the office to find me. I will try to respond to any letters I receive, so give me the information I need to find you. Bye for now. Was it good for you too?

Alex W ank